All women must buckle up and deal with being unfairly disliked, even those as successful as Jennifer Lawrence
We all want to be
liked. The need is a deep one. For God’s sake even Kim Jong-un wants to feel
the love of his oppressed people – no matter how synthetic. And yet, day in,
day out, women the world over force themselves to override this natural desire
to get what they want or, worse, what’s rightfully theirs. Most of us women end
up actively developing what I call “a talent for being disliked”.
I bring this up
because of two separate events this week. The first concerns the laudable candour of
Hollywood A-lister Jennifer Lawrence. The 25 year-old actress explained in an
article why she didn’t put up
more of a fight when negotiating her fee for the movie American Hustle. This
was after she learned, from a leaked email, that her male co-stars took home a
greater percentage of the profits than she did. Essentially her reticence to
bargain harder boiled down to her desire to be liked on by everyone on set and
avoid being seen as “difficult”.
Her words definitely
struck a chord – especially these: “I’m over trying to find the ‘adorable’ way
to state my opinion and still be likable!... I don’t think I’ve ever worked for
a man in charge who spent time contemplating what angle he should use to have
his voice heard. It’s just heard.”
Amen sister. It is
knackering. And if you think she and the many of us who heartily agree with her
are imagining that a woman’s assertiveness is received differently to that of a
man – think again – because research is on our side. And lots of it.
Which brings me
neatly onto my second point. Earlier this week a new study was
published by psychologists at Arizona State University – who found that
women who show anger are taken less seriously and deemed less influential than
men. However, an angry man will have his colleagues rolling out the red carpet
towards the CEO’s office. His ire makes him seem more authoritative.
Academics refer to this
social phenomenon as the dominance penalty. When women display characteristics
of traditional leadership – like decisiveness and strength – for which a man
would be rewarded and respected, she will often have to deal with being
disliked. By men and women.
The
forces which stop Western women gaining equality to men both at home and at
work are usually subtle social norms – that force us to
curb our behaviour or modify our desires without even realising it – in a bid
to be accepted and hopefully loved. This is something I discovered when
researching ambition for my TED talk. But awkwardness is
par for the course on the tricky road to gender equality. Awkward
conversations; awkward silences and sometimes, awkward shouting matches. I’ve
been there - as have many of my female friends.
So what to do? All of the equality laws a decent society could desire
are in place in Britain. Heck David Cameron recently
went one further, promising to force companies with more than 250 employees
to publish the pay gap between the average female and male earnings. But a
spreadsheet alone won’t change a woman’s pay packet. Only a tricky conversation
with a boss or a bloke in HR will. So while outdated cultural views
slowly die a death, women, even those as successful as Lawrence, have to buckle
up, stand their ground and deal with being unfairly disliked in scenarios where
men would earn brownie points. It ain’t easy or natural – but ultimately – it’s
worth it.
