When women are in a better financial position than their abusers
it often helps them end the relationship. But it's no guarantee. Here two women
in atypical financial situations tell their stories.
LONDON (WOMENSENEWS)--
"It might sound really strange," cautions Rita, sounding slightly
embarrassed.
We meet in a north London teashop
because I am working on a series about the financial reasons women stay
in abusive relationships, and Rita (names of victims and perpetrators have been
changed throughout) isn't convinced her experience qualifies.
"It was a
reverse," she continues. "I stayed with him because he financially
couldn't cope. And it sounds really strange, but I was worried he would end up
on the street if I wasn't there."
Rita is concerned her
experiences may not be instantly recognizable since fear of homelessness and poverty do rank
highly in the reasons why victims stay
in abusive relationships.
But Rita is not alone.
Over the course of this six-month investigation into the economics of abuse in
the U.K., half a dozen survivors from varied backgrounds got in touch wanting
to tell stories with this atypical financial component; they had more money
than their abusive exes.
Here's how Rita, a
journalist, and Dawn, described their situations.
Foster
Care Beginnings
Rita was 16 and in foster care when she met her ex, John. "I
knew him because he was in the system as well. He made me feel so loved
straight away. I really thought I'd gotten lucky and I'd found the person for
me."
John seemed like a ticket
out of the foster system. He said he had a job and was financially secure.
After a series of meetings with social services, Rita was allowed to leave care
early, before she turned 18.
They rented a room
together in a north London suburb. But suddenly it turned
out that Rita, who had gotten a job, was going to have to pay for it. "He
was never working in the first place. And that was just something that
continued throughout our relationship."
John was physically and
emotionally abusive. He left marks on Rita that she covered up with medical
camouflage make up. He also started borrowing money from her and stealing from
her bankcard to pay for his crack addiction.
She estimates she has
spent tens of thousands of pounds on him. "Which was difficult and it's
still hard to say, because at the time I didn't earn a lot. I just worked as a
barmaid."
By the end of the
seven-year relationship, Rita's initial sense of being cherished had decayed
into a damaged sense of self worth. Although she was paying for his lifestyle,
the abuse didn't let her take any credit for that. "Your confidence gets
so ground down," Rita recalls. "I thought the only reason someone
would want to be with me was because I would look after them financially."
In another case, the woman
interviewed bought a flat and put it in the name of her abusive ex boyfriend.
He managed to persuade her that having the asset in his name would provide her
with more financial security than if she owned it outright. But since she left
him, he has used the flat to continue to manipulate her through the mortgage
and tenants living in the property.
Post-Breakup
Ties
Often, however, victims'
assets do ease the way out, but as Dawn's case shows, the abusive relationship
can still reach deep into the future.
Dawn continued to work
after her abusive husband had lost his job. She also owned a house. When she
decided to end the relationship he moved out when she asked, but the abuse
didn't stop immediately. They remained together for a while, but at a certain
point, she cut all personal ties.
But she found her legal
ties were harder to break.
After the breakup Dawn
sold the house and moved, so her abuser would not be able to find her.
However, she remains
married to him. What holds her back from filing for divorce? The answer is her
fear that he will be able to track her down through the paperwork entailed.
It is a particular worry
for Dawn because her vision is impaired so she wouldn't be able to see him
coming.
"It's something that
happens to disenfranchised women," says Dawn, in an interview in a London
pub. "I'm a graduate, I've got two post-graduate qualifications. I'm just
not the sort of person this happens to. Those are all things I thought at the
time. Obviously I now know that is absolute rubbish and there are just no
distinctions."
Different
Types of Financial Abuse
Victim
Support, a
charity with programs throughout the country that provide support for victims
of crime, lists three examples of financial abuse in the context
of domestic violence: "Taking money, controlling
finances, not letting someone work."
Gudrun Burnett is senior
business partner for domestic
abuse at Peabody, a
charity in London that provides affordable housing. She specializes in training
front line staff --everyone from housing officers to cleaners – to recognize
abusive situations.
Burnett is quick to
caution that abuse takes many forms. If victims feel their experience falls
outside the usual script of what domestic
abuse is supposed
to look like, Burnett says, it could inhibit them from seeking help. In the
absence of a definitive list of symptoms, she says common factors are--broadly
speaking--abuse of power and control.
A tool called the
"economic abuse wheel" offered by domestic violence refuges identifies
common abusive situations. Examples include "not giving her any money to
go anywhere or do anything," "preventing her from getting or keeping
a job" and "denying her basic necessities."
The experiences of Rita
and other survivors don't always fit neatly into the "economic abuse
wheel," but they do fall under the British government's definition of domestic violence and
abuse, which was updated in 2012.
In the category of
financial abuse the wording makes clear that controlling behavior is part of domestic abuse and
can involve abusers "exploiting their [victims'] resources and capacities
for personal gain."
This story was reported
and produced by Jess McCabe for the series "Why Didn't She Just Leave?"
This special project was crowd funded on the Catapult funding platform. Join
the conversation on domestic
violence on Twitter
via #WhyIStayed.
Former editor of
The F-Word, Jess
McCabe is a British journalist, reporting
on women, feminism and housing.
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